Pakistan Today

National

PML-Q lawmakers concerned over PTI govt’s ‘negative’ attitude

by Staff Report , (Last Updated 3 mins ago)

ISLAMABAD: Amid a recent rift between the ruling Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI) and its coalition partner Pakistan Muslim League-Quaid (PML-Q) over certain disagreements in Punjab province, the latter’s leadership held a consultative meeting of…

ECP completes arrangements for 2018 by-elections

by APP , (Last Updated October 8, 2018)

ISLAMABAD: Election Commission of Pakistan (ECP) has completed all necessary arrangements for holding of bye-elections in 36 constituencies on October 14. According to an ECP official, the elections will be held for…

Columns

So long, CJ Saqib Nisar

by Shah Nawaz Mohal , (Last Updated 4 hours ago)

Now, Honourable Lordship, brace yourself for the long-awaited judgment One nail drives out the other and that is how the world goes around, remarked Voltaire centuries back. He remained mum about the…

Editorials

Who’s responsible for the CTD killings?

by Editorial , (Last Updated 8 hours ago)

Moment of shame! The Counter Terrorism Department’s (CTD) supposed intelligence-based operation in Sahiwal has proved, once again, that no matter how much money and training you can throw at the police department,…

Cartoons

Today’s Cartoon

by Syed Shahzeb Ali , (Last Updated 8 hours ago)

Business

IMC stresses need for localisation in auto sector

January 21, 2019

Indus Motor CEO urges govt to facilitate local manufacturers so as to secure foreign exchange and generate employment opportunities ISLAMABAD: Indus Motor Company (IMC) Chief Executive Officer Ali Asghar Jamali has urged car manufacturers to assemble auto parts locally. “For the...

Foreign

WhatsApp restricts message-forwarding to fight fake news

by News Desk , (Last Updated 57 mins ago)

WhatsApp is limiting all its members to forwarding any single message up to five times in an effort to tackle the spread of false information on the platform, reported BBC. The Facebook-owned…

Featured

Media Watch: No subtlety in propaganda

by The Tube , (Last Updated 2 days ago)

From an economics point of view, India has had only two prime ministers, really. Jawaharlal Nehru and Narasimha Rao. From an exclusively political point of view (which, yes, spills over into economics)…

Sports

PCB awards ‘incentive-based contracts’ to women cricketers

by Staff Report , (Last Updated 2 hours ago)

LAHORE: The Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) on Monday announced the list of 17 women cricketers who have been awarded incentive and performance-based contracts. These contracts have commenced on 1 January 2019 and will…

Lahore

CM promises to empower police, admin

by Staff Report , (Last Updated 15 mins ago)

–CM Buzdar reviews law and order situation in marathon meeting –Deputy commissioners, RPOs told to provide relief to people in new guidelines LAHORE: Punjab Chief Minister Sardar Usman Buzdar presided over a…

Karachi

Man, pregnant wife injured in Karachi encounter

by Staff Report , (Last Updated 12 mins ago)

KARACHI: A husband and his pregnant wife sustained injuries in an incident of shooting between policemen and robbers in Karachi’s Korangi No 4 Sunday night. According to police, the suspects had opened…

Islamabad

ANF DG for innovative steps to curb drug supply sources

by APP , (Last Updated 15 mins ago)

ISLAMABAD: Anti-Narcotics Force (ANF) Director General (DG) Major General Muhammad Arif Malik on Monday directed for the acceleration in ongoing counter-narcotics operations with a special focus on the apprehension of elements involved in drug…

Ugh, they keep getting worse, says Dustbin of History

January 18, 2019 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) Noted global metaphor The Dustbin of History said on Friday that the public figures that Pakistan is sending, specially from the jurists, keep getting worse and worse. “I mean, I get it, these fellows aren’t supposed to be choice picks and all,” it said. “But there was a time when these guys were still at least impressive.” “I mean I remember Justice Munir. He was fabulously well-read, learned and erudite,” it said. “This current lot ca .....
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Irresponsible bowlers not scoring runs: Sarfaraz

January 17, 2019 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) PORT ELIZABETH – After saying last week that the speed of bowlers was less as compared to the speed of batsmen getting out, hence pinning the blame for the bowlers for the whitewash in the Test series, Pakistan captain Sarfaraz Ahmed has put further onus on the bowlers to do more ahead of the five match ODI series. Talking exclusively to The Dependent Sarfaraz said the bowlers have been performing badly for a long time now. “Our bowlers aren’t ta .....
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‘Not scared of anything after daring to play for Lahore Qalandars,’ says Pakistan bound de Villiers

January 17, 2019 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) LAHORE – Cricket superstar A B De Villiers, who will be participating in the fourth season of the Pakistan Super League (PSL) beginning next month, expressed surprise at his decision of touring Pakistan being deemed anything but a no-brainer. The former South African captain, who will be playing his trade in PSL 4 for the Lahore Qalandars, rubbished claims that touring Pakistan carried any security risk. “I think almost everyone who now knows that .....
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‘O besharam,’ renowned analyst Hassan Nisar condescendingly tells off 2014-2018 self

January 17, 2019 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) LAHORE– Renowned writer, analyst and media personality Hassan Nisar Thursday unleashed his trademark condescending tirade against the 2014-2018 version of his own self. The rant comes days after he had actually bestowed laanat upon himself. However, the transcript of the detailed takedown, available exclusively with The Dependent, reveals that the leading academic does not feel that the earlier bestowment had sufficed. “O besharam,” began Hassan .....
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Nation’s stray barking dogs reporting positively to biting colleagues

January 17, 2019 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) ISLAMABAD/LAHORE/KARACHI/PESHAWAR/QUETTA – During the early hours of Sunday, January 13 a nationwide awareness campaign was initiated by nation’s stray barking dogs, sources within the dog mass communication industry have told The Dependent. Well-placed sources confirm that after a message was delivered to members of the industry the seniors chose to do the needful and decided to spread the word. “Following the message, it was decided that we are .....
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“You all will miss me when yo….,” says Saqib Nisar before cameras abruptly move away

January 17, 2019 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) Former Chief Justice Saqib Nisar has presumably said that he will be missed when he will be gone but his stated reason for why he will be missed remains unknown as this reporter did not listen to his complete statement. “You all will miss me when yo...,” the former chief justice said right before the cameras immediately moved away in an attempt to gather footage of the incumbent chief justice at the Supreme Court. Nisar was seen in the background o .....
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‘That man looks nothing like my dealer,’ clarifies Afridi

January 15, 2019 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) ISLAMABAD – Minister of State for Interior Shehryar Khan Afridi on Sunday denied that the man arrested by the Anti-Narcotics Force (ANF) from the capital with a large quantity of cocaine resembled his dealer. The arrested man, who supplies cocaine to parties in the capital, had been photographed with the Interior Minister, prompting rumours that he was a close friend of Afridi. “That man looks nothing like my dealer,” the Interior Minister clarif .....
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Pakistani press completely free, says plainclothesman sitting in newsroom

January 11, 2019 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) The Pakistani news media is completely free and unfettered, said a plainclothesman sitting in the newsroom of The Dependent on Friday. “There are absolutely no restrictions on the freedom of the press in this country, I guarantee that, as a one hundred percent real, actual journalist,” he said, while sipping tea. “I would like those present to guide me to those who believe otherwise,” he continued. “So I could approach them and convince them .....
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‘You’re welcome,’ Satan tells Christian Bale

January 10, 2019 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) HELL – After Christian Bale thanked Satan for inspiration on how to play Dick Cheney in Vice during his Golden Globes acceptance speech, Satan has responded in kind by telling the actor that he is welcome. “You’re welcome,” Satan said in an exclusive supernatural message for Bale. “I know exactly how I inspired you to play that damned devil. But all I can say is that the pleasure is all mine – it really is,” he added. Satan also expressed .....
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Error 404, says Cynthia Ritchie during internet outage

January 10, 2019 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) Noted not-a-journalist-but-strategic-communications-consultant Cynthia Ritchie said “Error 404” after a short internet outage in the federal capital on Thursday. “Error 404,” she said after its users repeatedly pressed the F5 refresh button. “Damn it, it’s down again,” said its shift-in-charge, who referred the problem to his commanding officer. Upon investigation, however, it was revealed that there was nothing wrong with it itself, but .....
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Turnaround in offing as Pakistan set to treat each Test match as eleven T20 contests

January 10, 2019 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) JOHANNESBURG – After three years in charge of the Pakistan cricket team, coach Mickey Arthur appears to have finally cracked the code of the Test side and will be introducing a new revolutionary plan in the next Test series. Pakistan may have already lost the ongoing Test series against South Africa, but the team management has issued a warning to the opponents that they would next face in the five-day format claiming that the side is set for a turnarou .....
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‘Speed of fast bowlers should be more than speed of batsmen getting out,’ laments Sarfraz

January 10, 2019 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) JOHANNESBURG – Following another convincing defeat at the hands of South Africa, captain Sarfraz Ahmed has put the onus on the bowlers, and more specifically their speed, for the dire straits that the Pakistani Test side finds itself in. Talking to The Dependent after the defeat at Newlands, Sarfraz said that the Pakistani fast bowlers need to be much quicker. “The speed of our fast bowlers should at least be more than the speed with which our bats .....
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