Pakistan Today

National

NAB chief to personally probe Asad Munir’s alleged suicide

by Staff Report , (Last Updated 6 mins ago)

ISLAMABAD: National Accountability Bureau (NAB) Chairman Justice (r) Javed Iqbal has decided to personally investigate the alleged suicide committed by Brigadier (r) Asad Munir. According to a press release issued on Monday,…

ECP completes arrangements for 2018 by-elections

by APP , (Last Updated October 8, 2018)

ISLAMABAD: Election Commission of Pakistan (ECP) has completed all necessary arrangements for holding of bye-elections in 36 constituencies on October 14. According to an ECP official, the elections will be held for…

Columns

Reena and Raveena sound a familiar knell

by Raoof Hasan , (Last Updated 38 mins ago)

Candid Corner No cosmetic dressings, no lip-service medications, no half-baked measures will do In a display of the worst form of religiosity, two minor Hindu girls, Reena and Raveena, were kidnapped from…

Editorials

Imran Khan and opposition

by Editorial , (Last Updated 45 mins ago)

Can democracy endure no-holds barred fights? While both the government and opposition bear the responsibility for strengthening the system, the party in power has to go the extra mile because it is…

Cartoons

Today’s Cartoon

by Syed Shahzeb Ali , (Last Updated March 19, 2019)

Business

Bailout agreement with IMF to be reached soon: Asad Umar

March 25, 2019

‘PTI govt only had 15 days of reserves left when it came to power’, finance minister laments ISLAMABAD: Finance Minister Asad Umar said on Monday that the government has made progress in talks with the International Monetary Fund (IMF), as the...

Foreign

French Muslim group sues Facebook, YouTube over Christchurch footage

by Agencies , (Last Updated about 1 hour ago)

PARIS: One of the main groups representing Muslims in France said on Monday it was suing Facebook and YouTube, accusing them of inciting violence by allowing the streaming of footage of the…

Featured

Media Watch: To play the keera’s advocate

by The Tube , (Last Updated March 23, 2019)

It’s gone viral, the Kingtox insect repellent advertisement has. The ad ticks all the boxes. It’s funny. It’s relevant to the product at hand. It stays in your mind. And, like (most)…

Sports

Danish Saeed wins gold medal in martial arts

by APP , (Last Updated 3 hours ago)

PESHAWAR: Danish Saeed claimed a very deserving gold medal in the opening category of the Mardan District Spring Inter-Club Wushu Championship which concluded at Sports Complex Mardan on Monday. Khyber Pakhtunkhwa Wushu Association…

Lahore

Punjab IGP suspends 40 DSPs over corruption

by INP , (Last Updated 51 mins ago)

LAHORE: Punjab Inspector General Police (IGP) Amjad Javed Saleemi has suspended 40 deputy superintendents of police (DSPs) after they were proved guilty in corruption charges. The Regional Police Officers (RPOs) and district police officers…

Karachi

KMC to demolish illegal constructions on Hill Park welfare land

by INP , (Last Updated about 1 hour ago)

KARACHI: The Karachi Metropolitan Corporation (KMC) administration has pulled its socks up to retrieve illegally grabbed land in renowned Hill Park. The administration has decided to raze illegal constructions on Hill Park’s welfare land worth millions.…

Islamabad

ATC adjourns Barrister Fahad murder case hearing till April 1

by APP , (Last Updated 2 hours ago)

ISLAMABAD: An anti-terrorism court (ATC) on Monday, resuming the hearing of a case pertaining to the murder of Barrister Fahad Malik, expressed reservations over non-appearance of senior counsel for deceased Fahad Malik…

Arts / Entertainment

Laal Kabootar Review

March 25, 2019

3.5 stars out of 5.0 Pakistani film ‘Laal Kabootar’ is an extremely good film when compared to several recent films being showcased in cinema. Amid the drought of desi content for our cinemas following the self-enforced ban on Bollywood, the...

Nation observes Bhagat Singh birth anniversary by pretending to know what Bhagat Singh did

March 23, 2019 BY The Dependent

The nation observed Bhagat Singh’s birthday today as thousands thronged to parks, museums, libraries and even social media and pretended to know what, exactly, Bhagat Singh did. “We will celebrate this day and remember the legacy of a man who did so much for the environment, a man who was in fact the first environmentalist of the sub-continent,” said Faiza Hassan, a student of Kinnaird College, Lahore. “What comrade Bhagat Singh did, specially for the tannery workers of Kasur, is going to be remembered by worker rights advocates t .....
[ read more ]

Shocked Mahathir finds Wajahat S Khan lying in PM house hot tub

March 23, 2019 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) Malaysian Prime Minister Mahathir Mohammad was in for a shocker during his brief visit at the Islamabad National University, nee Prime Minister House, when he walked into a bathroom only to find Wajahat S Khan – better known as ‘Waj bro’ – lying in the hot tub. The visiting Prime Minister did not in his wildest imagination think that when he nipped down to the bathroom for a leak he would have to face a big, bald man already in there that would re .....
[ read more ]

Dentist nervous to be sitting next to actual doctor during parade

March 23, 2019 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) A dentist in Islamabad made an embarrassing spectacle of himself during the annual Pakistan day parade when he awkwardly fumbled around and failed to behave appropriately after he was seated next to an actual medical doctor during the proceedings. “Oh God, wait, they’re seating me next to him? Do I say something? Do I call him ‘Dr sb’ and talk about his experience in med school? No that’s way to forward, what’re you thinking Arif!” his trai .....
[ read more ]

Shall seek Malaysia’s help in learning how to crack down on Islamophobia in Pakistan: PM

March 22, 2019 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) Prime Minister Imran Khan has said that his government will seek the help and support of Dr Mahathir Muhammad’s Malaysian government to figure out how to crack down on Islamophobia. “As we know, the rampant Islamophobia found within Pakistan is the most pressing issue that the country faces today,” he said, in a joint press conference with the visiting Malaysian head of government. “We shall seek the support of Dr Muhammad in figuring out how to s .....
[ read more ]

‘Being unfairly linked to attacker who lauded me and shares most of my beliefs,’ says Donald Trump

March 21, 2019 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) WASHINGTON – US President Donald Trump claims he is unfairly being linked to an attacker who had lauded him in a written manifesto and shared most of his beliefs. Trump tweeted on Monday that the media “is working overtime to link me to the horrible man”. He adds: “They will have to work very hard to prove that one.” The US President’s tweet read: “The Fake News Media is working overtime to link me to the horrible man in New Zealand just .....
[ read more ]

‘People of Thar will be first recipients of coal emissions,’ PM Khan reassures locals

March 21, 2019 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) ISLAMABAD – After Engro Powergen Thar Limited's (EPTL) lignite coal power plant in Thar started pumping 330MW of electricity generated by domestic coal into the national grid, Prime Minister Imran Khan reassured the locals that they would be the first recipients of the carbon emissions and other global warming impacts of coal power production. “Tharparkar is the most backward area of the entire country. But I assure you that the people of Thar will be .....
[ read more ]

Maula Jatt-Noori Natt rivalry bigger than Ronaldo-Messi: Carles Puyol

March 21, 2019 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) KARACHI – Following his return from Pakistan, football legend Carles Puyol announced to the world that he felt that the rivalry between Maula Jatt and Noori Natt was bigger than the one between Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi. Puyol’s statement comes in the aftermath of his visit to Karachi, where in addition to participating in the closing ceremony of the Pakistan Super League final, he hobnobbed with the star studded cast of the Legend of Maula J .....
[ read more ]

PSL technically not international cricket, party-popping moron tells nation

March 21, 2019 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) KARACHI – The Pakistan Super League does not technically qualify as international cricket, a habitual party-popping moron told the nation on Monday. Mustafa Sultan, 26, who has been certified as a contrarian douchebag by his family and friends, corrected the nation in the aftermath of the final of the PSL on Sunday, after Karachi successfully hosted eight matches of the tournament which featured some of the biggest international stars of the game. � .....
[ read more ]

‘If I wanted overacting I would’ve done it myself’ – Modi reacts to biopic trailer

March 21, 2019 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) MUMBAI – Reacting negatively to the trailer of the upcoming film PM Narendra Modi, the de facto producer, director, writer, casting director, music director and editor of the film PM Narendra Modi has expressed dissatisfaction with the performance of the lead actor Vivek Oberoi playing the title role. Modi, who has done everything for the film, barring acting in it himself, felt that given what is evident in the trailer maybe he should’ve considered d .....
[ read more ]

Self-reflecting Shaan set to produce progressive film ‘Woke Gujjar Tay Feminist Majaajan’

March 21, 2019 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) LAHORE – Following backlash against his hypocrisy in the aftermath of a tweet where he criticised the Aurat March, leading Lollywood actor and producer Shaan Shahid has begun to self-reflect, The Dependent has reliably learnt. Sources close to the superstar reveal that he is actually working on unlearning his own bias and bigotry and will look to make that evident by making more progressive movies in the future. Sources have further revealed that Sha .....
[ read more ]

‘No need to be so hard on guests like Czech model’ says man who insists FIR be lodged against Aurat march organisers

March 21, 2019 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) Local man Sarwar Ahmed, who has for the past two week been on a crusade to try and register FIRs against the organisers of the aurat march in his city, said on Thursday that the Czech model given 8 years for trying to smuggle $1m worth of heroin should have been given a lighter sentence. “I just think such sentences portray a harsh image of the country. What will people back in her native Czech republic say about this?” he asked, even as he was in a .....
[ read more ]

Future DIG (Operations) in tears over bad CSS Gender Studies exam paper

March 21, 2019 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) Waleed Hassan, a future Deputy Inspector General of Police (Operations), Karachi, was in tears this Friday over a Central Superior Services (CSS) exam of the elective subject of Gender Studies, which he felt had gone terribly. “I completely blanked out about Germaine Greer’s seminal book,” said Hassan, who after successfully clearing his exams after all, will join the Police Service of Pakistan and, after graduating from the academy, will volunteer .....
[ read more ]

Top

Headlines