Pakistan Today

National

Nawaz’s welcome rallies: LHC summons details of FIRs against PML-N workers

5 mins ago BY INP

LAHORE: Lahore High Court (LHC) on Thursday sought details of first information reports (FIRs) registered against Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N) leaders and workers for participating in the rallies to welcome ex-prime minister…

SC allows Sheikh Waqas Akram to contest in July 25 polls

30 mins ago BY Staff Report

ISLAMABAD: The Supreme Court on Thursday dismissed a petition challenging Jhang’s NA-115 election candidate Sheikh Waqas Akram’s candidacy and allowed him to contest the upcoming polls on July 25. His candidacy had…

Columns

Social class system dissected

about 1 hour ago BY Aminah Mohsin

What matters more to whom… A theory presented by Thomas Malthus predicts that if a population keeps growing at an exponential rate then eventually a time will come when the population would…

Editorials

Harking back to Charter of Democracy

53 mins ago BY Editorial

The way to hell is paved with good intentions For a number of years after the revival of democracy in 1988 the two party system prevailed in Pakistan. The 1990s however saw…

Cartoons

Today’s Cartoon

57 mins ago BY Syed Shahzeb Ali

Foreign

Turkey ends 2-year state of emergency, seeks to keep some powers

2 hours ago BY Agencies

ISTANBUL: Turkey´s state of emergency which was imposed after the failed 2016 coup came to an end on Thursday, but the opposition fears it will be replaced by even more repressive legislative…

Featured

Dr Bengai makes a case for Balochistan

July 14, 2018 BY Abdullah Niazi

Book review: A Cry for Justice: Emperical Insights from Balochistan Balochistan cries for justice. The province has, for seventy years, suffered a situation where the country has taken much from and given…

Sports

Kuldeep Yadav gets India call for start of England Test series

3 hours ago BY PakistanToday

LEEDS: India left-arm wrist-spinner Kuldeep Yadav has been included in an 18-man squad announced Wednesday for the first three Tests of their series in England after impressing in recent limited overs matches.…

Lahore

Another wave of heavy rains hit Lahore

47 mins ago BY Staff Report

LAHORE: The provincial capital on Thursday received another wave of heavy rainfall which began at noon and continued for at least an hour. According to reports, several areas of Lahore including Gulberg, Mall…

Karachi

PTI activist injured in firing incident in Karachi

43 mins ago BY PPI

KARACHI: An activist of the Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI) was injured in a firing incident in Quaidabad area of the city in the wee hours of Thursday. According to police sources, 35-year-old Rehmat…

Islamabad

PML-N’s Amir Muqam fails to appear before NAB for second time

2 hours ago BY Staff Report

PESHAWAR: Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N) Khyber Pakhtunkhwa (KP) chapter President Amir Muqam has sought more time to appear before the National Accountability Bureau (NAB), according to reports. The PML-N leader allegedly owns assets…

After successful World Cup, Putin confident of Russian bid to host next World War

July 18, 2018 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) HELSINSKI – After winning the world over with the successful staging of the recently concluded FIFA World Cup, Russia President Vladimir Putin is confident that his country would win its bid to host the next World War. At a summit with US President Donald Trump in Finland, Putin told reporters that Russia is ready to host the ‘biggest event of them all’. “We saw the previous World Wars being hosted by multiple countries – which incidentally i .....
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Shehbaz Sharif rally finally reaches Lahore airport

July 15, 2018 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) Accompanied by thousands of followers, friends and family, the rally being led by PML-N President Shehbaz Sharif has finally managed to reach Lahore’s Allama Iqbal Airport, The Dependent can now confirm. The mass rally that had set out to greet ousted Prime Minister Mian Nawaz Sharif and his daughter Maryam Nawaz was supposed to reach the airport on Friday night. “We would’ve reached earlier if someone hadn’t felt the need to drive so slow” .....
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Taliban have no direct role in elections, maintains spokesman Khorasani

July 13, 2018 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) UNDISCLOSED LOCATION – The Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) has “no direct role” in nationwide elections due July 25, the group’s spokesman said Tuesday, after widespread allegations that it is plotting to manipulate the polls. Instead the Taliban will deploy thousands of militants in the lead-up to the polling day to help ensure the vote goes smoothly, TTP spokesman Muhammad Khorasani said. “The Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan have no direct role,� .....
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Che Guevara T-shirt wearing Nawaz arrested at Lahore Airport by oppressive bourgeoisie

July 13, 2018 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)\ LAHORE – Former Prime Minister of Pakistan Nawaz Sharif donning his favourite Che Guevara T-shirt was arrested at the Allama Iqbal International Airport by the police force of the bourgeoisie late on Friday night. “Come comrade Maryam, our destiny awaits,” Nawaz said addressing his daughter Maryam Nawaz who joined him in being taken into custody by the oppressive forces of the state. His hands joined together atop his head, handcuffed, Nawaz was .....
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Crackdown on political workers wrong unless I order it: Shehbaz Sharif

July 13, 2018 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) LAHORE – Dismissing allegations of having threatened local administration and police officials of Lahore following a widespread crackdown on Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N) workers a day ahead of former PM Nawaz Sharif and his daughter Maryam Nawaz's return to Lahore from London, former CM Punjab Shehbaz Sharif has said his statement 'waqt hamesha ek jaisa naheen rehta' was actually meant as a pun for his own party. With reports of arrests of polit .....
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PPP asks Al Jazeera to change party’s political orientation from centre left to whatever’s left

July 13, 2018 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) LAHORE/DOHA – In an official statement released on Thursday, the Pakistan People’s Party (PPP) has released an official statement asking Qatar based news channel Al Jazera to alter the party’s orientation in an article published on their website. “The online feature published by the Al Jazera on their website says that the Pakistan People’s Party is a ‘centre left’ party, which is not an accurate depiction of the PPP,” the statement read. .....
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Reham Khan’s book early favourite for Pulitzer Prize in Political Erotica

July 12, 2018 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) NEW YORK – The self-titled book of journalist Reham Khan has become the early favourite for the Pulitzer Prize in Political Erotica, literature experts at the Columbia University say. With the award to be given out next year, analysts say that it would be hard for anyone to top Reham Khan’s excellence in this particular award. “There is excellence in journalism and literature beyond words in those pages,” Stephanie McGregor, a senior professor .....
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Pakistan’s most corrupt deserved to be hanged… out with, says Hamza Ali Abbasi

July 12, 2018 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) ISLAMABAD – Star actor and hopeful politician Hamza Ali Abbasi said that if he were to become the Prime Minister of Pakistan he could personally hang out with the most corrupt. Talking exclusively to The Dependent Abbasi said, "What I would do if I was PM for a day is that I would... hang — out with — ooorrr possibly shoot — lots of pictures with – all the log jo bari corruption karte hain [people who commit large-scale corruption]." He conti .....
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PakPositive! CJP’s dam fund already achieves 0.00137785999 percent of required amount

July 12, 2018 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) In an amazing turn of events that traditional media sources will not tell you about, the CJP’s damn fund has already achieved 0.00137685999 percent of its target amount! The new bump in the total came after former cricketer Shahid Afridi set an example for others by contributing 1.5 million rupees to the $15 billion project. “All anyone will ever tell you about is how this is going to fail and how it makes no sense and that its probably a violati .....
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‘Who’s the better captain: Sarfraz or Safdar’, Maryam Nawaz creates Twitter poll

July 11, 2018 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) LONDON – Immediately after Nawaz Sharif's son-in-law Captain (r) Safdar addressed a power show in Rawalpindi and gave up his dramatic surrender to NAB officials, Maryam Nawaz on Sunday began a poll on Twitter asking her followers, “Who was the better captain today: Sarfraz or Safdar?” During her occasional Twitter spats, she took matters to a whole new level by saying that “Boys played really well, but Capt Safdar outperformed all,” right after .....
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CJP condemns Juventus for prioritising Cristiano Ronaldo over Diamer-Bhasha Dam

July 11, 2018 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) ISLAMABAD – In another harshly-worded swagger-laden statement Chief Justice of Pakistan Mian Saqib Nisar condemned Italian football giants Juventus for spending €100m ($117m) on purchasing Portuguese captain Cristiano Ronaldo from Real Madrid. The CJP was of the opinion that the money could’ve been better spent on the construction of Diamer-Bhasha Dam. “I know addressing Pakistan’s water shortage is not exactly the responsibility of an Italia .....
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Rao Anwaar granted bail, given Jeep symbol in upcoming elections

July 11, 2018 BY The Dependent

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.) Rao Anwaar, the embattled SSP Malir, Karachi, has been granted bail by the Anti-Terror Court during a hearing in the Naqeebullah Mehsud murder case. In an absolutely unrelated incident, the Election Commission of Pakistan greenlit Rao Anwaar’s candidacy for member of the Sindh provincial assembly and also gave him the Jeep symbol. “My being granted bail proves my innocence, more or less,” said Anwaar, speaking to reporters outside the court. � .....
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