Show me a disgruntled wife and I will show you an equally disgruntled husband, and vice versa. The wrong-spouse problem has been defying resolution ever since the advent of the institution of holy matrimony, if not earlier. Despite this history and the ubiquity of the problem, its gravity and intractability typically go unappreciated among the unmarried community. Any wonder they keep entering marriage in absolutely the wrong frame of mind, thereby supplying a constant supply of fresh victims of the problem?
For the benefit of eligible bachelors and fair maidens, here is a brief progression of the malady: In most marriages, one of the parties soon comes to suspect that it has got the raw end of the deal (in other words, that the party of the second part is having an absolute ball at the cost of the party of the first part). Evidence piles on with time, and the suspicion grows until it finally acquires the status of an unwavering conviction. The intermediate stages include temporary and, as it ultimately turns out, excruciating flashes of hopes such as ‘Adaptability can only be a matter of time’ (no it is not), ‘Talking the issues out will surely help’ (it certainly will not), ‘It is darkest before dawn’ (yes, but only when there is a dawn), and ‘No issue ought to be too difficult for mature adults’ (yeah, right!).
The party of the second part, on its part, is usually of the same considered opinion– only in the reverse direction. There notoriously being no auto-correct function in marriage, once the first symptoms start appearing a couple of weeks after the wedding ceremony, the problem persists before progressively getting worse. Said symptoms include the various shades of unpleasant sentiments not very different from the ones felt upon getting delivered something that has no resemblance whatsoever to the item one had ordered online. Or the feelings that prompt one to brood on questions such as ‘Why do bad things happen to good people?’
In arranged marriages it is natural to blame for this predicament the parents, the matchmakers and the go-betweens, the significant other, the in-laws and sheer bad luck, whichever comes first. When it happens to be one’s own choice however, the number of available options reduces drastically. For the only recourse available to thoughtful individuals in that case is blaming the spouse. Of course, declaring somebody to be the root-cause of a problem is a far cry from solving the issue to anybody’s satisfaction; especially when all evidence points to the fact that the blamed party tends not to take the criticism in the best of spirits, and therefore typically demonstrates an even more dastardly and uncooperative behaviour thereafter.
Inexperience is often cited as the reason why so many good men end up with the ‘wrong’ women and vice versa. The compatibility-statistics of second, third, and subsequent attempts at matrimony hardly support this opinion. Though a very useful commodity, experience has its limits. It is clearly out of its league when it comes to the institution of marriage.
The only narrative that the happily married individual can ever hope to be a part of is the cliched and frankly boring ‘Lived happily ever after’ story. In stark contrast, the individual who ends up with the wrong spouse– while not categorized as happy– has one hell of a story to tell– a story that is an epic and a saga at the same time; with surreal humour, black comedy, farce, drama, suspense, mystery, and high tragedy all rolled into one. ‘Why me?’, you ask? Well, why not?
Recognizing the nature and the degree of impenetrability of any problem is crucial if one is to realistically address it. If the history of marriage is any guide, this is the sort of problem that can only be managed, not solved. This is the only spirit in which one has a valid excuse to go ahead and tie the knot. It would be a gross understatement to say that this spirit is rare.
Marriage is a wonderful thing– let there be no mistake about it. It is just not for the weak of heart. Far from dissuade folks from getting married therefore, the aim of this piece is to persuade them to be in the right frame of mind when they decide to do so. Socrates is on some sort of record somewhere advising men to marry on grounds that they will either be happy (on the off chance) or will become first-rate philosophers (in all the other scenarios). Much more recently, the inimitable George Bernard Shaw presented a character who had married a very good man but was not at all keen on her daughter doing the same. She was obviously wise enough to know that toughing it out and, as a result, honing one’s character– something that she had missed out on owing to her marital bliss– was a much nobler goal than merely being happy could ever be.
The already married folks would do well to remind themselves that easy times make for weak men and women. In contrast, adversity and challenges provide them with the opportunity to develop and hone their mettle. Look at it this way: your spouse is the strong headwind that makes you soar high in life’s skies. The stronger this headwind, the higher you soar, the greater the glory, and the more spectacular and heroic your destiny and legacy!
The only narrative that the happily married individual can ever hope to be a part of is the cliched and frankly boring ‘Lived happily ever after’ story. In stark contrast, the individual who ends up with the wrong spouse– while not categorized as happy– has one hell of a story to tell– a story that is an epic and a saga at the same time; with surreal humour, black comedy, farce, drama, suspense, mystery, and high tragedy all rolled into one. ‘Why me?’, you ask? Well, why not?
