CITY NOTES: Brave New World

I‘m sure all Imran Khan’s well wishers are happy that he will find a career after having been Prime Minister, as a writer of spy thrillers. Or maybe as a script writer for Hollywood. Or maybe he could help revive Pakistani cinema by writing for it.

It started with the brilliant idea of the dastardly American plot to destabilize his government in cahoots with Shehbaz Sharif. Shehbaz would play himself, while the indeterminate American would be played by Khurshid Shah in the blond wig left behind by the late Adeeb, who would have got the role on the strength of the wig. Iman would play himself, but it would be Sheikh Rashid who would get to dance around a tree with Meera.

Then there is the plot to kill Imran. Imran has recorded a video giving details of the plot. Thus he has acquired the halo of martyrdom without having to go through the inconvenience of actually getting killed, thus going one-up on Zulfikar Ali Bhutto, who was actually hanged for the murder of Mujhammad Ahmad Khjan, father of Ahmad Reza Kasuri, the dissident PPP MNA.

Well, Imran should thank his stars that all his dissident MNAs and undefeated dissident MPAs are alive and well, or else he could have been picked up.

As it is, he should examine his past very carefully. I mean, just across the border, they’ve got Navjot Singh Sindhu in the neck for a year in a 1988 road rage case. True, Sidhu only made it to provincial minister, but he is probably the best-known of Imran’s contemporaries to enter Indian politics. Sidhu had a car crash back in 1988 in his native Patiala, got into a fight with the other driver, who then died. Imran, hopefully, was not involved in any car crashes. And didn’t hit any senior citizens, as Sidhu did.

Though he should be worried about the road, because it hasn’t been very kind to ex-cricketers. Andy Symonds, the Australian all-rounder of yesteryear, died at 46 in a car crash recently. Y’see? Another mysterious death, just after Shahbaz Gill’s lucky escape recently. Or was he doing a bit of car-tasting for Imran?

 Imran should have tasters for his food. I mean, he says he knows the poison used on Dr Rizqan, the IO in the money laundering case against Shehbaz Sharif, a poison he says kills and leaves the symptoms of a fatal heart attack and no other trace. Frankly, the ‘rare Asiatic’ poison is a trope used by crime writers whenever they found themselves stuck for some way of getting the murder committed.

Well, we can only wait for the next installment. Are we going to be told that the moon is made of green cheese? And further, that the greatest threat to Imran comes from little green men who live on the dark side of the moon?

Are we preparing for Pakistan’s first science fiction movie? Is Fawad Chaudhry going to get the role of the Cookie Monster? Y’know, the one who makes all the cookies disappear in his stomach. Is Usman Buzdar going to snap up the role of the Visitor from Outer Space, or will Umar Sarfraz Cheema?

There are three important roles to be cast, two from the Star Wars universe, another from the Star Trek universe. (It’s obvious that Imran and most other PTI supporters are no longer bound by the present universe). How Imran plans to play Luke Skywalker and Han Solo as a double role only he knows, but he’ll do it. Darth Vader will be Shehbaz Sharif, of course with Shaukat Tarin as Jabba the Hutt and Shahid Khaqan as Chewbacca. And while |Imran will obviously play Capt James T. Kirk, who will play Spock? Hamza Shehbaz?

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