City notes: Chilli powder and rats

By going after the Chief Election Commissioner, Imran Khan is not venting out spleen against the head of the bench that made the finding in the foreign funding case, totally unfounded and without any basis, that he was issuing false certificates for his party, and that it had accounts that had been opened on his signature that had not been declared. (Just as the PML(N) had better watch out for what they did on May 29 to stop the PTI, so there are going to be SBP employees who will be punished for their filthy lies when Imran gets back into power.)

Actually, Imran wants to save Pakistan from what is happening in Kenya, where there is not just a presidential election, but also parliamentary and local elections. The election commission over there has obviously got its nerves frazzled, not to forget that the presidential election result was very narrow.

Still, that was probably no reason why the next stage should have been reached, which was for members to start throwing chairs at each other. Now that is probably the reason Imran wants a clean-up at the ECP, which might well see chairs flung about, especially since it is not, as it originally was, one CEC, but a full-fledged ECP, with a CEC and four members, one from each province.

I suppose Imran knows something we ordinary mortals don’t, because I don’t suspect Sikander Sultan Raja of getting twitchy fingers from the sight of a chair.  I don’t think he or his members are acquainted with the use of chairs in combat situations. Raja being an ex-bureaucrat, might know something about stilettos, and any ex-judge would know about knives, axes or firearms, but chairs? And Imran doesn’t know about them, unless it is the need to stick to them once you’ve got one.

In fact, the ECP shouldn’t have been so casual about summoning him. What iif he turns up, and then refuses to get out of the chair? He could always say it was a new method of protesting.

Will he suddenly develop respiratory problems? Like Dr Shahbaz Gill?

There have been claimsv of police torture, and a medical board has been constituted at PIMS to check him. There have ben allegations by Imran Khan that Dr Gill was sexually abused. In police custody, though you can’t really claim that until chilli powder is pushed up your backside, creating a burning that can only be imagined even by someone who had too much peppery food, you can;t claim to have been tortured.

Not unless you have had rats pushed up your shalwar legs, and had them tied at the cuffs. That is worse for women,but it works very well on men as well. I suppose Imran, being an Aitchisonian and an Oxonian, would be thinking in terms of Dr Gill having batteries attached to his private parts.

Frankly, that is quite expensive, not to mention that some devices need uninterrupted mains electricity, which we can’t promise in this area of lad-shedding. Another effective method is to put the accused in the middle of a circle of rookies, who will give him a slap each in turn. This is a training exercise, but if the accused confesses, good enough.

It doesn’t matter what the confession is to. The assassination of Lord Mayo, the only Viceroy to be killed in office. The shooting of Liaquat Ali Khan. Anything. The amount of torture allegedly administered by the cops should have got Dr Gill to have confessed to all the unsolved house robberies in the federal capital, as well as to all eveteasing cases reported, apart from having implicated Imran in the incitement the PTI now reluctantly admits he committed, so as to drive a wedge between the PTI and the armed forces.

One wonders if Imran wants at some point to claim that Dr Gill had been crazed by the chilli powder today that Imran was in any way involved. Or that the rats up his shalwar had made him say what he did.

Of course, Imran’s claim means that Gill was on Nawaz Sharif’s payroll (though what he had been saying about Nawaz’s daughter should put him out of suspicion). More evidence of corruption. Though that was not why chairs were thrown in the Kenyan Election Commission

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