- Addressing them on a fundamental level
You have doubtlessly heard or asked these questions at one time or another: Why a Muslim man may take a Christian wife, but a Muslim woman is not permitted a Christian husband? Why a man is allowed to have multiple wives simultaneously, but a woman isn’t permitted to have more than one husband at a time? Why can a husband simply divorce his wife, whereas a wife must ask for a divorce? Why is Islam against intimacy between unmarried folks when there is no aggrieved party? What is Islam’s issue with same-sex relations?
Of course, people have been answering these (and similar) questions for a very long time, but often it’s a case of answering each question by employing an argument that sounds reasonable enough for the purpose, but which either falls apart on a more careful scrutiny or contradicts another argument used to answer some other question. The key to avoiding this endless muddle is to first understand the Quranic concept of marriage. Because once the Muslim marriage is understood in principle, the rest is simply its application to various situations.
For starters, marriage in Islam is an institution, which results in the fundamental unit of society: the household. In Islam, marriage is only between a man and a woman, where the two parties complement each other to start and sustain a family. Human beings take notoriously long to become independent, and in advanced years they become frail again; and a home that provides shelter and a conducive environment is crucial. The husband is the head of the family and is responsible to put food on the table and take care of the bills. With this responsibility on his shoulders, he also has the authority over his wife. (Mind you, and it can’t be emphasized enough, we are talking about husbands and wives, and not men and women in general as is often misunderstood.) The wife is supposed to sign the contract in complete knowledge of the above. Of course, she always has the freedom to leave the marriage. But while in it, she must recognize the husband as the head of the family.
The task of summarizing the Quranic concept of marriage being taken care of, it’s time to address the questions listed in the beginning. Why must there be a head of the family to start with? Well, no institution can function without a hierarchy and a head at the top – the slogans of some Marxists and dreamy youths notwithstanding. Marriage is no exception.
The Quran recognizes the significance and need of intimacy apart from the purely biological function of procreation (‘Your wives are an apparel for you; and you an apparel for them’ [2:187]), but it limits this intimacy strictly to that between husband and wife. There’s no concept of casual or free sex in Islam. As far as Islam is concerned then, the distinction is simply between permissible relations (those inside marriage) and forbidden ones (anything outside it).
The task of summarizing the Quranic concept of marriage being taken care of, it’s time to address the questions listed in the beginning. Why must there be a head of the family to start with? Well, no institution can function without a hierarchy and a head at the top – the slogans of some Marxists and dreamy youths notwithstanding. Marriage is no exception. One could argue that it’s the wife that should be in-charge (instead of the husband) but the position that both should be ‘equal’ is not sustainable. One of the two parties, therefore, had to be given financial responsibility as well as the authority, and God has decided to give it to men. It’s a safe bet that had it been the other way around, some would have found that too discriminatory and unjust.
Why can’t a Muslim woman marry a Christian man? Well, the leadership of a Muslim household can’t be handed over to a non-Muslim, that’s why. That a Muslim man can have a Christian wife is also a concession considering that Christians are people of the Book; but that is as far as the Quran is prepared to go – there is no permission to marry polytheist and atheist women. Why can’t a woman take two husbands at a time? Because, by definition, both would have authority over her and that is not workable. Why must the wife ask the husband (or the court, if needed) for a divorce whereas a husband can simply divorce his wife? Well, the same could be said about any institution of the world, where the person in authority has differing levels of rights from other members.
As for same-sex relations, the Quran proscribes them as it does any other kind outside marriage. By defining marriage solely as a contract between a man and a woman, and allowing intimacy strictly between married couples, any intimacy outside marriage – be it heterosexual, homosexual, premarital, extramarital – is forbidden. It’s as simple as that.
The instructions regarding how to deal with a wife who insists on openly rebelling against her husband’s authority while staying in marriage (the latter half of verse 4:34) are also best understood considering the definition of the institution of marriage in Islam. The author has addressed this last matter in detail in the past in these very pages. Interested parties are invited to look that up in the archives.
