(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
Amid a rising Coronavirus death toll that is now averaging close to 100 deaths daily, the government has made a new addition to its list of inventive standard operating procedures (SOPs), recommending that people try to die of something else in order to avoid dying of the deadly virus.
Explaining the new SOP, Prime Minister Imran Khan in his regular televised address said, “I have done my part, pioneering the smart-lockdown approach that no other responsible leader of a democratic nation had the gumption to envision. The virus however, quite unexpectedly, continues to spread. So, if you don’t want to get infected with the virus and possibly die of it, you should find an alternate method of dying before that apparent eventuality transpires. We have fully opened up transport across the country, so there are plenty of opportunities to get hit by a car, bus or a moving train.”
Reiterating his earlier comments regarding WHO’s (World Health Organisation) observations on the deteriorating situation in Punjab, SAPM on Health, Zafar Mirza said, “This SOP is just a tiny example of the PTI government’s holistic strategy and response to Covid-19. Unlike some narrow-minded one-dimensional outlook of that only focuses on the science and medicine of a viral pandemic, we have both eyes on the ball. Say you only have one kidney left; you can now sell it, earn a few bucks and go out with the satisfaction that you beat the virus, head-on. See, Holistic!”
Soon after the announcement of the SOP an official NCOC notification was issued that outlined the SOPs that would govern the new SOP.
