[The following piece is a work of satire. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live a little.]
UNDISCLOSED BATHROOM – Pakistani society’s shiniest mirror, renowned journalist Wajahat Saeed Khan has once again gaslighted the nation.
The investigative journalist, who specialises in self-revelation and unveiling what ails him, whenever such a need is most pertinently felt, spoke to The Dependent in an exclusive interview, elaborating some of the views he shared on a Twitter thread this week.
“Full disclosure for this interview: I don’t vote. I follow the old, Pakistani ethical tenet that only generals should vote. Exactly two years ago, I was excited to see Imran Khan win the election and assume the helm of affairs in Pakistan, because it was only made possible by the only people whose vote should count,” Khan said with characteristic machismo, elevated by the manly sanitary fittings which formed a picturesque setting for the hardcore interview.
“With the 2018 polls, Imran Khan had reaffirmed a system. Pakistan’s notorious two-party system – one party being the generals and the other being civilians,” with a manly stress on the G-word, completing unraveling his strings attached – the G-string, if you will – with Khan adding why Khan’s success was a huge personal success for Khan.
“Imran Khan achieved something historic in 2018: the culmination of a two decade-long campaign for Wajahat Khan. For years, Khan had struggled with identity. He couldn’t be center-right: That was Hamid Mir. He couldn’t be center-left: That was Najam Sethi. So, he took his best shot, which was… nowhere.
“There is space there, which allows you to be conservative, pro-mullah, pro-military, patronage-based right-wing nationalist, out-of-touch and corrupt journalist dressed up as power-to-the-people liberal. You can be wherever the big bucks and big TRPs be,” he added as Khan’s tears of joy were drowned by the full flowing water coming from the hard earned ELLO & ALLO Stainless Steel Shower Panel Tower System, Hydroelectricity Display.
“Today, on the second anniversary of Khan’s election, I’m happy to admit that I’m glad I squeezed everything I could and left,” he concluded.