(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
MUMBAI – With the locust swarms causing havoc in India, Republic TV Editor-in-Chief Arnab Goswami has revealed that the insect attack is actually the latest jihadi insurgency sponsored by Pakistan.
“After having destroyed crops in Rajasthan and Uttar Pradesh, the jihadi locusts are on their way to the other states even as the country grapples with yet another cowardly Pakistani conspiracy,” said Goswami in his broadcast on Thursday.
Condemning Pakistan, Goswami confirmed that it had sent “terrorist” locusts into India. He underlined that he had obtained ‘exclusive footage’ following a Republic TV investigation which confirmed the Pakistani identity of the ‘jihadi tiddis’.
“The Pakistan sponsored jihadi tiddis were circumcised. Ladies and gentlemen, the Pakistan sponsored jihadi tiddis were circumcised. I must repeat, the Pakistan sponsored jihadi tiddis were circumcised. Ladies and gentlemen, I have exclusive evidence here,” he said shouting at the camera, wielding a piece of paper at the audience. Following the revelations, Goswami carried out a debate on the matter as well.
“You have been exposed. You are all terrorists. You belong to a terrorist state. You have been exposed. You must be ashamed of yourself. Shame on both of you and your brethren,” he told off two guest locusts invited on the show, who unfortunately couldn’t express their views due to a lack of time