Newcastle United set to impose capital punishment as relegation deterrent | Pakistan Today

Newcastle United set to impose capital punishment as relegation deterrent

NEWCASTLE/RIYADH – Following the impending takeover of Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund, chaired by Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, Newcastle United are all set to bring about a whole host of changes at the club, The Dependent has reliably learnt.

While there are expected to be many changes in management and personnel in the aftermath of the impending $368m takeover, sources have confirmed that the most far-reaching revamp would come in the on-field matters, with the club implementing strategies designed for footballing success.

Documents underlining the team management strategies at the club, available exclusively with The Dependent, show that in addition to other disciplinary actions, Newcastle United are set to impose capital punishment as relegation deterrent.

“For starters, we will fix the death penalty for the squad in case the team is relegated. However, with the investment that we’re bringing we hope to challenge for the Champions League spots and the league title. Soon, we should be able to impose death penalty for going trophy-less and then for failing to win both the league and Champions League,” reads one document.

Another document underlining long-term strategies stresses on proxy football to help Newcastle become a powerhouse in the sport.

“We will reserve considerable chunk to infiltrate our rival football clubs and make them weak through infighting. This will be facilitated by promoting a radical ideology therein.”

The Dependent

The above piece is a work of satire and does not present itself as the truth.