The nation’s teenagers are, till the filing of this report, furiously at it, despite being told repeatedly by the national and international public health apparatus that masturbation will not, in fact, kill the COVID-19 virus.
“We believe the origins of this belief started with a WhatsApp message forward,” said Dr Mubasher Ahmed, Executive Director of the National Institute of Health. “Something about an increase in white blood cells or whatever. And that has led to this rampant increase in frequency of said activity.”
“Okay, yes, we are being told by the provincial, national and even international public health bureaucrats and doctors that this will, perhaps, not fight or even prevent the Coronavirus,” said Saad Cheema, an FSc student in Lahore. “But this new crisis requires us to go above and beyond. We can’t take any chances and should err on the side of caution.”
“Now, if you will excuse me, I need to…..clean my room.”