Schadenfreudian jerk wakes up at 5am every morning to watch battering of same 11 guys | Pakistan Today

Schadenfreudian jerk wakes up at 5am every morning to watch battering of same 11 guys

SIALKOT – Clearly with little else going on his life, schadenfreudian jerk Asim Maqbool, 32, wakes up at 5 am every morning for the sole purpose of watching a group of men being battered.

Eyewitnesses confirmed around noon on Sunday that Maqbool had woken up at 5 am sharp every day from Thursday keenly observing 11 guys being beaten up by 11 other guys till early afternoon.

It was further observed, onlookers confirmed, that this peculiar early morning ritual was designed based on the group being beaten not the one doing the beating.

“The way he is invested in the whole thing, he feels he’s an active participant. Hence the schadenfreude actually borders on sadism,” said Maqbool’s girlfriend Hadia Mehmood, 28, currently pursuing a Masters in Philosophy at Rutgers University, New Brunswick in the US.

Anthropologists confirm that Maqbool’s bizarre ritual was a regular practice in ancient times, but is rarely seen among any known tribes anymore.

“Only a few scattered individuals in the region practice this ritual, which in the previous century was a form of propitiatory offering, or expiation,” Jason Kamilar, the editor of Evolutionary Anthropology magazine, told The Dependent.

Investigations into the phenomenon further reveal that Maqbool won’t be waking up at 5am on Monday, with the practice set to resume on Friday – but at a less peculiar time of 8am.

At press time, Maqbool had opened his laptop to schedule his digital marketing assignments for the coming week.

The Dependent

The above piece is a work of satire and does not present itself as the truth.