(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
The people of the Kashmir valley wholeheartedly support the recent scrapping of the special status that the state had in the Indian constitution as per article 370, as per the latest reports by Indian ARY and Bol.
“All the Kashmiris we met said that the people of the besieged state will now finally enjoy the fruits of being a Union Territory,” said Siddarth Shetty, a reporter for (Indian ARY) Republic TV, in front of a crowd of fuming Kashmiri college students. “These fruits include investment in land property, employment, increased troop presence and Kashmiri apples.”
“Behind me, there is a gaggle of Kashmiri female college students who are cheering the landmark decision by the Modi government,” he Satish Tewari, of (Indian Bol) Zee TV. “Not only are they happy with the prospect of more jobs, there are also some butterflies in their stomachs because of their increased marital prospects. A sort of ecstatic giddiness that can only be inspired by twitter marriage proposals by middle-aged men from the cow belt of Bihar, MP, Rajasthan and UP.”
“I’ve just had a chat with this senior Kashmiri citizen,” said Radhika Iyer of (Indian ARY) Republic TV, sitting next to 80-year-old Muhammad Ishaq, retired chemistry teacher at a Sri Nagar college. “He is so delirious with joy that he is saying that I have not had a chat with him and that I am lying.”
“All of this proves that Mohsin Dawar and the rest of the PTM are lying and the people here actually love the army.”