‘No, next year’s Valentine’s probably won’t be any better’ Pakistan Bureau of Statistics tells you | Pakistan Today

‘No, next year’s Valentine’s probably won’t be any better’ Pakistan Bureau of Statistics tells you

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)

Speaking specifically to you, The Pakistan Bureau of Statistics (PBS) has confirmed that in all likelihood, Valentine’s day next year will not be any better than it was this year for you.

Responding to what they have branded as your ‘laughable’ claims and ‘childish’ hopes, the PBS said that the chances of Valentine’s day going any better for you in 2020 than it has in 2019 was absurd.

“We know you think things will get better, because of course, things can’t get any worse, right? No. Wrong. The numbers on this are clear, they aren’t going to get any better. In fact, they’re very likely to go much much worse” read a statement from the bureau released after you told your friends ‘aglay saal dekhna zara’.

“We understand that the math on this is a little complicated, and that you’re relying on the age old you-can-only-go-up-from-rock-bottom approach” it went on to say. “But as we’ve seen, you have somehow managed to keep falling lower and lower”.

“Your rock is a bottomless pit, if you do ever hit this supposed ‘bottom’, you’re never getting up from it.”

“You see generally we see upwards trends, but in your particular case, the calculations are thrown off just a little because of the you-don’t’-deserve-love factor.

“So yes we can say with utmost certainty that next year won’t be any better” they added.

The Dependent

The above piece is a work of satire and does not present itself as the truth.



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