(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
WASHINGTON/ISLAMABAD – US President Donald Trump sent a letter to Prime Minister Imran Khan requesting him to help him find a safe haven from Mueller investigation in Pakistan just weeks after the two engaged in a Twitter spat.
The letter, a copy of which is available with The Dependent, requests Khan’s “full support for the effort to advance the peace process”, which is only possible if he could find the US President a “safe haven in one of those goddamned mountains”.
“I know you have bigly yuuge mountains. Please find me a slot in one of those, away from all these bloody allegations and scandals,” Trump later said to Khan in a phone call, the audio of which is exclusively available with The Dependent.
In the letter in question, written on an official paper with the White House masthead, Trump recognizes that Pakistan has the ability to deny the Taliban sanctuary on its territory, and requests Khan to provide him the same sanctuary instead.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been clearer before. The fact that I constantly keep mentioning Pakistan’s ability to provide safe havens to jihadists and terrorists more than a calling out any duplicity has been always been a personal request to be granted the same – from day one,” the letter read.
“I just want protection from all this legal trouble and scams, and hence kept referring to these havens. It’s not my fault that lazy analysts started calling it ‘Trump’s South Asia’ policy.”