(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
DIGITAL SPHERE – After Tehreek-i-Labbaik Pakistan (TLP) Chief Khadim Hussain Rizvi’s Twitter account @KhadimRizviReal was banned by the social media platform, the group has decided to deploy its virtual assistant ‘Ban the Siri’ to orchestrate cyberattacks against Twitter, The Dependent has reliably learnt.
Ban the Siri is a radical virtual assistant part of all of TLP’s digital protest operating systems. The assistant uses voice queries and a natural-language user interface to answer questions, issue fatwas, and perform violent actions by delegating requests to a set of TLP accounts.
The software adapts to users’ individual language usages, searches, and preferences, and has shown swifter response times to instructions laden with Punjabi expletives.
Upon learning that the TLP is looking to deploy the dangerous Ban the Siri, Twitter management has decided to agree to the demands put forth by Khadim Rizvi.
The agreement, a copy of which is exclusively available with The Dependent, said:
a) A review petition has been filed against the suspension of Khadim Hussain Rizvi’s Twitter, which is the petitioners legal right. Twitter will not object to it
b) Legal proceedings would be initiated to put @KhadimRizviReal outside the Twitter suspension list immediately
c) Legal action would be taken for all those fake Twitter accounts martyred in the protests against Khadim Rizvi’s account ban
d) All those Twitter accounts suspended amidst protests from October 30 would be released immediately
e) Tehrik-e-Labbaik regrets inadvertently hurting members of the Twitterati amidst this incident
However, Twitter management has maintained that the agreement should not be misconceived as surrender its part.
“The writ of Twitter has not been challenged, and we definitely have not capitulated,” a Twitter official said while talking to The Dependent.
“Instead of using digital violence against accounts that were calling for people to be killed, we chose to be prudent by establishing our writ by undoing the ban on accounts that breached Twitter regulations and agreeing to their demands as well, despite the threats their cyber attackers and hackers posed.”