(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
Popular messaging service WhatsApp was appointed govt spokesperson for economics and financial affairs on Wednesday.
The messaging service will interface with the government and public through Islamabad-based pundit Dr Farrukh Saleem, who will read and forward the important spin on matters of public finance.
Liaison Officer Dr Farrukh Saleem did away with pleasantries at the press conference and started right away.
“Nawaz & Zardari were informed on 26 January, 2016 by the president of the Asian Development Bank that a loan for Bhasha Dam was available at no interest rate whatsoever,” he read off his cell phone. “But shameless lobby said ‘No, we have our own vested interests to make sure Pakistan does not get cheap power and reliable irrigation.’”
“They were having Scotch while they said this,” said Dr Saleem as an aside to the reporters present. “And the expensive, single-malt, not Murree’s Vat 1 that I sometimes use to prepare myself before my evening tweeting.”
“Sir, please do not give us your own views,” said a reporter present. “Please revert back to the govt-appointed spokesperson on economics and financial affairs.”
“Oh, I am sorry,” said the Liaison Officer Dr Farrukh Saleem, resuming to read from his cell-phone.
“Scroll all the way down to see actual footage of Hussain Nawaz stealing cake from PM House. Experts have calculated that this total stolen cakage (technical term) is 7 crore rupees, which has been virtually stolen from state coffers.”
“آپ اچھے ہیں، ادھار اچھا نہیں”, he concluded.
“Sorry, sorry, the spokesperson is a little tired,” said the Liaison Officer. “At times we need udhaar to pay off the mess of previous governments.”