Categories: NationalThe Dependent

‘Someone must’ve changed Sharjeel Memon,’ CJP says after negative tests

(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)

ISLAMABAD: Chief Justice of Pakistan (CJP) Justice Saqib Nisar remarked on Tuesday that the samples of Pakistan People’s Party (PPP) leader Sharjeel Memon recovered from the bottle’s room must have been changed by someone.

During a hearing session, Justice Nisar said, “Who took the sample? And who conducted the tests? Someone must have changed Sharjeel Memon”.

The Chief Justice of Pakistan has also issued a statement saying that the embarrassing situation was the mistake of Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI) leader Ali Amin Gandapur.

“It’s all his fault,” read the opening line of the CJP’s statement.

“I had just dropped by to say ‘hello’ as has also been reported in mainstream media. But then his response to my ‘Hello, Sharjeel Memon. I am the CJ’ was so awkward that it made me a little suspicious,” added the statement.

To top it off, explained the statement, the CJ saw two bottles of liquor in the room which had been declared a sub-jail for the PPP leader.

“The response by his attendants that there was honey in one of the liquor bottles and olive oil in the other was just too much BS for me. Like what the heck, dude? When are you going to get original?”

The CJ’s statement cited Gandapur’s incident from 2016 when a bottle of liquor was discovered from his car in Islamabad by the police which the PTI leader claimed was honey.

“You all remember how idiotic Gandapur’s incident was. He claimed there was ‘honey’ in a sealed bottle of alcohol,” read the statement which was followed by a ‘-_-‘ emoticon.

“Anyway, that just got to me and in the heat of the moment I may have gotten a teeny weeny bit carried away by publicly shaming Memon without even having ascertained the facts prior to an investigation, which now that I look at it, may in itself have been a bit of an overreaction.”

When asked how the CJ would address the situation now, he responded by saying: “Gandapur set this stupid precedence. We are looking into various legal options to see how we can hold him entirely responsible for something that through so-far-available evidence appears to not have happened at all.”

Sharaab thee yaar hospital ki sub jail main! Mazaaq ki bhe hudd hoti hai.”

Meanwhile, Memon refused to comment on the matter. When asked if there were liquor bottles in his room and if he had consumed those, he responded with a cheek-to-cheek smile that ominously resembled that of PPP’s co-chairman Asif Ali Zardari.

When this publication reached out to PTI’s Gandapur over the incident, he said he was lucky to have escaped a blood test during his time.

“But all I want to say is that we have struggled with our Captain for two long decades and nothing brings more joy to me than knowing that our political rivals are using our techniques to fight a corrupt government. Oh wait, that came out wrong.”

The Dependent

The above piece is a work of satire and does not present itself as the truth.

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