(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
LAHORE – Continuing firmly on his pursuit of shaking up the status quo, ousted prime minister Nawaz Sharif is all set to start keto, in a bid to further get inside the head of the establishment.
In an exclusive interview with The Dependent, Nawaz said that after the Mumbai attacks statement and Dawn Leaks revelation, the keto diet will completely transform the political scenario in his favour ahead of the general elections.
“First of all it’s not diet, it’s woe – way of eating,” the former Prime Minister of Pakistan corrected this scribe. “Secondly, I believe that this step of mine will convince my critics as to the current level – and sincerity – of my anti-establishment rage, and the extent to which I can go to rattle them.”
Nawaz further said a shakeup of the gastronomic status quo is representative of the shakeup of the political status quo that he’s eying.
“Like the 75% fat, 20% protein and 5% carbs, we want 75% civilian, 20% judicial, and 5% military involvement. We are trying to make a lean political machinery by reducing the involvement of one particular nutrient. Pakistani politics will undergo its much overdue ketosis.” The keto warrior’s anti-establishment rage coincides with the report that invisible forces have been stepping on the scale every time Nawaz weighs himself.
A senior Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N) leader, who has been tasked with calculating the macros for the party quaid, revealed that keto is now an integral part of the party’s election strategy.
“Mian saab has asked us to use cauliflower rice in the pre-election biryani plates that would be distributed in the Punjab constituencies,” he told The Dependent.
Meanwhile, talking to The Dependent Maryam Nawaz said the PML-N quaid does not fear for his life.
“Yes, keto flu scared us all, but we’re past that stage,” she said. “And as far as the bullet is concerned, I’m making the bulletproof coffee for abu myself.”