Our Staff Reporter – Lahore/Karachi/Islamabad/Peshawar: Pakistan is ready to disown its latest Nobel laureate, after Malala Yousafzai won the Nobel Peace Prize on Friday along with some Indian person. The country has decided that they are against both Malala and the person that won the Nobel Prize with her, that no one could name. Preparations to collectively hate both the Nobel Peace Prize winners are underway, with one being for being a Pakistani, the other abhorred for being an Indian – by default.
Sources have told Khabaristan Today that the country has been preparing to disown Malala since the Nobel Prize announcement. It would be the second time in two opportunities that Pakistan would be disowning its Nobel laureate.
Dr Abdus Salam was earlier disowned for being an Ahmadi, while Malala would be suffering from the same fate because she is a girl. After awarding Nobel prizes to an Ahmadi and a girl, Pakistanis are concerned that the next prize might go to a member of the LGBT community in Pakistan.
Despite reports that certain parts of Pakistan might not have prepared itself fully to disown Malala just yet, but the word is that nobody really cares about this tiny minority of anti-state elements. Sources have further revealed that the anti-state elements would also be disowned by the masses, who have been on a disowning spree.
Chants of “Go Malala Go” have been heard throughout the country, with the country giving a resounding verdict against the youngest Nobel laureate in the history.
Bilawal vows to continue giving India nightmares one tweet at a time
Our War Correspondent – Karachi: Pakistan People’s Party (PPP) Co-Chairman, Patron-in-Chief, spoilt brat by kinship, his royal highness Bilawal Benazir Asif Ali Zardari Zulfikar Bhutto (Bilawal Bhutto for convenience) has vowed that he would continue giving India nightmares one tweet at a time, unreliable sources told Khabaristan Today.
“I am Modi’s worst nightmare,” said Bilawal via his Twitter account. Reports suggest that Bilawal also DM-ed Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi threatening him with low quality trash talk that he had picked up from South Indian movies.
“I will conquer Kashmir. I will conquer India. I will conquer Mars, and all other planets,” said Bilawal, while talking exclusively to Khabaristan Today. “India, be scared, be very very scared,” was his message to every single person in India.
Bilawal vowed to take revenge for every single war in which India has defeated Pakistan, which after counter questioning turned out to be zero. The PPP co-chairman has said that the volume of his tweets would be around the same as the volume of water that those Indians fired towards Pakistan causing disastrous floods all over the country.
“Modi, watch out for my flood of tweets,” Bilawal publically threatened the Indian prime minister in front of millions of people on Twitter.
Bilawal told the Indian premier that if his tweets didn’t scare him enough he would release “Altaf Uncle’s namaloom afraad” on India. The PPP co-chairman then went on to request Muttahida Qaumi Movement (MQM) Altaf Bhai to not take his recent speech too seriously and start sending his boris to New Delhi.
Eidul Azha celebrated with usual meat wastage, unnecessary meet-ups
Our Eid Correspondent – Lahore/Karachi/Islamabad: Eidul Azha was celebrated on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and according to reports on Thursday as well, all over the Muslim world with the followers of the world’s second largest religion depicting religious fervour and unity. In Pakistan Eidul Azha was celebrated only on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, with usual wastage of meat and people meeting up unnecessarily. Reports suggest the people in Peshawar haven’t actually experienced Eid to the fullest after being forced to celebrate it with the rest of the country.
Pakistanis unnecessarily met people they did not want to see, and did so with passion and commitment throughout the past week. The unnecessary meet-up was only matched by the food that was wasted by people who swallowed tonnes of meat and wasted even more without any necessity whatsoever.
According to reports the amount of meat that Pakistan wasted in the past week was more than enough to feed the continent of Africa for seven years. Sources also told that the number of Pakistanis who were forced into meeting people who they did not want to meet in the last seven days was equivalent to the population of Central Africa.
The nation has vowed to reproduce the same level of religious vigour and commitment next year as well.