Telling it like it almost never is
Imran Khan for negotiations with dengue mosquitoes
– Calls Bite-ullah May-Soothe’s killing, ‘attack on peace’
– Wants Misbahul Haq’s help in blocking NATO supplies
Peshawar – Staff Report – Citing anti-dengue sprays as the principle hindrance in the peace process Pakistan Tehrik-e-Insaf (PTI) Chairman Imran Khan has urged the federal government to instigate talks with the dengue mosquitoes “ASAP” Khabaristan Times has learnt. Khan dubbed the fatal spray attack on the then Tehrik-e-Machharaan Pakistan (TMP) chief Shaheed Bite-ullah May-Soothe an attack on peace and has warned the US against sending its sprays to Pakistan or else his party would continue their sit-in, blocking NATO supplies to Afghanistan.
“They are our mosquitoes. We must negotiate with them.” Khan said as he threw himself in front of a truck allegedly carrying NATO supplies near Hayatabad Toll Plaza. “The 2,400-year history of dengue mosquitoes reveals that one cannot conquer them by force. The Jin Dynasty in China two millennia ago, the Africans in the Middle Ages, the east Europeans during the Second World War and recently the Filipinos and Latin Americans all tried to counter dengue by force and failed. No one can conquer this race… the only solution is talks” the PTI chief said lying down flat on the motorway making his well rehearsed ‘I’m not a racist’ face.
Khan said that newly elected TMP leader Mullah Bzzzzzlullah – also known as Mullah Radio owing to the length of his antennas – is a deadlier mosquito than his predecessor, and needs to be wooed into talks “ASAP”. Khan blamed the US for the rise in dengue attacks and claimed that the manoeuvres of the freedom fighting mosquitoes were in retaliation against the anti-dengue sprays.
It is important to mention here that dengue mosquitoes have killed over 2,000 innocent civilians in Punjab alone, while anti-dengue sprays are said to primarily target TMP mosquitoes. It is also pertinent to mention that this isn’t the only occasion that the PTI chief has voiced his opinion in support of poison-spreading winged beasts.
Imran Khan lying down on the motorway further added, “The war against dengue mosquitoes isn’t our war, and we need to get out of it ASAP. The sooner anti-dengue sprays stop, the sooner dengue mosquitoes are satisfied and the sooner the spread of dengue is curtailed.” Khan then went on to accuse everyone disagreeing with him of being a dollar worshipper while he signed US aid agreements for projects in Khyber Pakhtunkhwa, again, lying on the motorway.
Imran Khan is of the firm belief that blocking NATO supplies is the first step towards halting US sprays and has requested Pakistan cricket team captain Misbahul Haq, who according to the PTI chief is the “most technically correct blocker in the country”, to join his movement for ‘justice, humanity and self-esteem’. “His tuk tuk will come in handy,” said Khan.
According to barely reliable sources the PTI chief was reminded that unlike other Pakistani cricketers Misbah might not be imprudent enough to judge his political credentials under the light of his cricketing credentials and that T20 Captain Mohammed Hafeez might be his best bet. Imran Khan retaliated angrily claiming that “a year’s worth of NATO supplies can pass between the gap between Hafeez’s bat and pad.”
Unfortunately despite repeated efforts for a word, Bzzzzzlullah and Misbah weren’t available for comments while Hafeez was believed to be busy filing a cyberbullying case against Dale Steyn in Cape Town.
Bobby pinky swears he won’t enforce martial law
Our Special Correspondent – Newly appointed Chief of Army Staff (COAS) Gen Raheel Sharif has pinky sworn with Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif that he would not enforce martial law in Pakistan, according to incredible sources. Raheel Sharif, nicknamed Bobby, is the third COAS that Nawaz Sharif has appointed in his political career and the PM is currently two for two in appointing army chiefs who end up dumping him out of the government. “Nawaz will be third time lucky,” Bobby promised, further adding that the opportunity to hog the ‘My favourite COAS’ section of Nawaz’s personal scrap book was “incentive enough”.
The move comes just a day after Gen Raheel Sharif gave an exclusive interview to Khabaristan Times. In the interview General Raheel said, “Even though the ground is as fertile as it has ever been for a military coup, it’s too much of a hassle for me.” The COAS then went on to highlight the tasks that lay in front of him, including the Afghan question post 2014, the Pakistani Taliban, the missing people in Balochistan, the unceremonious ties with India, eventually going on to underscore his biggest challenge.
“Dealing with the newspaper headlines is the most daunting task. The news editors are like a pack of clowns having a ball juggling all the Sharif names at their disposal,” Bobby maintained. “Although I’m surprised no one touched the ‘new sheriff in town’ pun. That would’ve been super cool!” COAS Gen Raheel said jumping up and down on his sofa.
“I did not get to pick my own surname,” Bobby reminded the rest of the universe. “If you really want to pick on me and manifest any inkling of wit, you could’ve had a go at my moustaches,” Gen Raheel poked historians. “Nawaz has had as much success picking army chiefs as I have picking my nose,” Bobby complained, further adding, “and that’s not the only dig you can conjure with respect to my moustaches,” with special emphasis on the word ‘dig’.
“All Pakistani army chiefs who enforced martial law had a moustache, and I too like them am a thorough professional and have no interest in politics. Bazinga! ” COAS Raheel Sharif exclaimed.
I should’ve been COAS: Veena Malik
Mumbai – Staff Report
Controversial Pakistani star Veena Malik expressed her disappointment last week after finding out that she had not been appointed as the new Chief of Army Staff (COAS). “I have to admit, I thought I was the front runner,” a dejected Veena told Khabaristan Times. “I was told improving ties with India was high on Nawaz Sharif’s agenda and if there is a better candidate for that particular purpose I am willing to do my next photoshoot for free,” she added.
“As far as negotiating with the Taliban is concerned, I’ll negotiate with them alright.” exclaimed Veena using more lip movement than was necessary. “I’ll ask those bearded buffoons whether they’d like to be droned or would they prefer being spanked with my eight inch stiletto heel!” Veena said.
When questioned about potentially having had to deal with the nuclear bomb, Veena said, “the only relevant bomb in Pakistan is Veena,” preferring to use her first name in lieu of the first person pronoun. “I should’ve been the COAS,” maintained Veena, “if only for the opportunity to manifest my ISI tattoo without any inhibitions” she added.
Misbah dedicates triumph to Taliban
Sargodha – Our Sports Correspondent
Pakistan Captain Misbahul Haq has dedicated the historic ODI series win against South Africa to the Taliban after the Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) had asked Pakistani citizens to stop lauding Sachin Tendulkar and instead praise Misbah. The 2-1 series win was Pakistan’s first against the Proteas in a bilateral ODI series and the first for an Asian team against South Africa in South Africa.
“I appreciate the support of the Taliban and would like to dedicate the series win against South Africa to the TTP” Misbah said in a press conference. “I would also like to confirm that I am henceforth officially a talib and would be supporting a beard in the series against Sri Lanka”, Misbah added.
Misbah further said that by supporting him and being critical of Tendulkar, the Taliban had proved that they were the real connoisseurs of cricket in Pakistan. “Of the 100 centuries that Tendulkar scored, India only won around half of the matches, while my number of ODI centuries and the ensuing number of wins is identical,” said Misbah proving his credentials as a match winner.
“The South African conquest was all due to the prayers of the TTP, which reinvigorated my religious side, which is obviously why I prostrated before the Almighty after we’d won the second ODI,” stressed Misbah. “I mean I’ve beaten India in India, whitewashed England and won the Asia Cup, I don’t think a lot of divine intervention was needed to force the chokers into chocking,” he concluded.
Netanyahu throws toys out of pram
Jerusalem – Our Zionism Correspondent
According to eye witnesses Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was seen in the park next to his residence in Jerusalem throwing toys out of his pram. Reports claim that these toys included a Middle Eastern chess set, an Obama action figure, a Rouhani rubber ducky, a Wang Yi jack in the box, a Hague stuffed animal, a Catherine Ashton doll, a mug saying ‘I love IAEA’ and a box of Swiss chocolates.
After throwing the toys out of the pram, Netanyahu is said to have jumped inside the pram and cried his heart out for the next couple of hours. Onlookers have also suggested that they could hear the Israeli prime minister shriek Persian expletives intermittently.
When called on his private number for comments, Netanyahu picked up the call shouted, “I hate you Barack” and disconnected the call. This happened 23 times after which Mr Prime Minister was seen sleeping peacefully in his pram holding his favourite Isreali nuclear bomb toy closely to his chest.
Kunwar Khuldune Shahid is a financial journalist and a cultural critic. Email: [email protected], Twitter: @khuldune.