A friend with weed is a friend indeed
I would like to announce at the very outset that this is a farmaishi piece. I swear to God I don’t smoke up. The little I did for some years was solely to explore why people all over the world loved it so much; at the end of which exploration I was still none the wiser, I must admit. However, my doper friends are really pissed that I have never done anything for them – to the point that some of them have socially boycotted me till the time I make their voices reach the highest corridors of power. The responsibility of this piece lies with them, not me.
This is an open letter to the president. Cc: PM, CJ, COAS, DG-ISI, America, Taliban, Kamran Khan, and everybody else who plays a part in running this great country. Again, these are not my demands – my role is little more than that of a drafter. Without further ado, here goes:
Sir, we dopers are proud citizens of this country (in fact an asset to this society, and second to none in terms of patriotism) but we have been denied our basic rights all along. We, being the most considerate and sensitive lot among the whole of humanity, appreciate how difficult it must be up there to manage the country these days, what with the US trying to manhandle us with the sanction stick and you nobly trying hard to survive and forge regional alliances. In view of this, we are putting up the most basic of our demands, leaving the more nuanced things for a later, more favourable time. Some of them, as you will see, are not so much demands as recommendations for the betterment and prosperity of our nation. We believe you won’t have to go too much out of your way to implement these.
1. “Charsi kadi na marsi.” This quote not only says it all on this topic, but is also self-explanatory, whichever comes first. Also it has been around too long to contain no truth. Dope is gradually becoming socially more and more accepted; it’s about time it was made legally accepted as well.
2. There must be no fine for a doper to keep bud up to 20 grams (personal use). We also need a permit to carry bud like some people here have for Murree Brewery products.
3. Ready-made quality splifs should be available at all tobacco stores.
4. Curine prices have been doubled from Rs. 40 to Rs. 80 in the last couple of years. The government should subsidise the redness reducing eye drops.
5. Stop letting NATO troops have all the best shit. There must be some international law somewhere, prioritising the right of local population to local produce.
6. While we have nothing against the Che Guevera or Bob Marley Rizla papers (in fact we love them), local industry can prosper and earn millions by introducing OBL smoking papers.
7. Every doper should have the right to plant and grow on his property (we are ready to give reasonable amounts of tax and can teach farmers control shed farming, and artificial light and humidity control by letting them examine our cupboards and the small plant we raise there).
8. Smoking cafes should be introduced where we can go and select the bud and tobacco and be able to smoke custom made splifs according to individual requirement (Amsterdam style).
9. Residential areas should have a separate park for us.
10. We should be allowed to wear sunglasses at our workplaces and during classes. Watch Twilight if you have any doubts about humans and vampires coexisting peacefully.
11. If we get a permit, we would also like to get a discount through it on mineral water bottles and munchies from all the departmental stores and khokhas.
12. 60% of illnesses are due to stomach related issues, and katthi is herb that keeps your stomach healthy and digestion fast. So it should be readily available at all medical stores for its medicinal value.
13. It should be a regular practice in police stations to offer a joint to both parties before filing any report, since people usually never fight when stoned.
14. Gaming cafes should have separate sections for us since it is demoralising for us to lose to players with zero skill level just because they don’t share our time and space zones and are generally a little faster.
15. Restaurants, apart from regular and upsize meals, should offer charsi servings too; which would mean a quadruple sized burger and two and half kg fries with Mirinda.
16. We urge the president to take notice of the recent MOUs between the US and the Karzai administration. Introducing sneaky clauses about drugs is just the kind of thing expected of the evil Americans. In this respect at least, no other nation must be allowed to be on more brotherly terms with Afghanistan than Pakistan.
17. While drunk driving is dangerous, stoned driving is extra cautious. Weed leaf should be made the traffic police’s logo.
On behalf of The Katthi Association Lahore
P.S. The boys had come up with 360 points. While drafting, I realised they were only 17; the rest was all repetition. I hold no responsibility for the facts and figures presented – even I found the 60%-illnesses-due-to-stomach point hilarious, to say the least. Thank you to all parties for reading this letter. I have no idea if the president will consider any of the points raised; but I have played my part, and it is earnestly hoped that this effort will be enough for me to win my friends’ respect back. Peace.
The writer is a member of the band Beygairat Brigade.