A doper’s request | Pakistan Today

A doper’s request

A friend with weed is a friend indeed

I would like to announce at the very outset that this is a farmaishi piece. I swear to God I don’t smoke up. The little I did for some years was solely to explore why people all over the world loved it so much; at the end of which exploration I was still none the wiser, I must admit. However, my doper friends are really pissed that I have never done anything for them – to the point that some of them have socially boycotted me till the time I make their voices reach the highest corridors of power. The responsibility of this piece lies with them, not me.

This is an open letter to the president. Cc: PM, CJ, COAS, DG-ISI, America, Taliban, Kamran Khan, and everybody else who plays a part in running this great country. Again, these are not my demands – my role is little more than that of a drafter. Without further ado, here goes:

Sir, we dopers are proud citizens of this country (in fact an asset to this society, and second to none in terms of patriotism) but we have been denied our basic rights all along. We, being the most considerate and sensitive lot among the whole of humanity, appreciate how difficult it must be up there to manage the country these days, what with the US trying to manhandle us with the sanction stick and you nobly trying hard to survive and forge regional alliances. In view of this, we are putting up the most basic of our demands, leaving the more nuanced things for a later, more favourable time. Some of them, as you will see, are not so much demands as recommendations for the betterment and prosperity of our nation. We believe you won’t have to go too much out of your way to implement these.

1. “Charsi kadi na marsi.” This quote not only says it all on this topic, but is also self-explanatory, whichever comes first. Also it has been around too long to contain no truth. Dope is gradually becoming socially more and more accepted; it’s about time it was made legally accepted as well.

2. There must be no fine for a doper to keep bud up to 20 grams (personal use). We also need a permit to carry bud like some people here have for Murree Brewery products.

3. Ready-made quality splifs should be available at all tobacco stores.

4. Curine prices have been doubled from Rs. 40 to Rs. 80 in the last couple of years. The government should subsidise the redness reducing eye drops.

5. Stop letting NATO troops have all the best shit. There must be some international law somewhere, prioritising the right of local population to local produce.

6. While we have nothing against the Che Guevera or Bob Marley Rizla papers (in fact we love them), local industry can prosper and earn millions by introducing OBL smoking papers.

7. Every doper should have the right to plant and grow on his property (we are ready to give reasonable amounts of tax and can teach farmers control shed farming, and artificial light and humidity control by letting them examine our cupboards and the small plant we raise there).

8. Smoking cafes should be introduced where we can go and select the bud and tobacco and be able to smoke custom made splifs according to individual requirement (Amsterdam style).

9. Residential areas should have a separate park for us.

10. We should be allowed to wear sunglasses at our workplaces and during classes. Watch Twilight if you have any doubts about humans and vampires coexisting peacefully.

11. If we get a permit, we would also like to get a discount through it on mineral water bottles and munchies from all the departmental stores and khokhas.

12. 60% of illnesses are due to stomach related issues, and katthi is herb that keeps your stomach healthy and digestion fast. So it should be readily available at all medical stores for its medicinal value.

13. It should be a regular practice in police stations to offer a joint to both parties before filing any report, since people usually never fight when stoned.

14. Gaming cafes should have separate sections for us since it is demoralising for us to lose to players with zero skill level just because they don’t share our time and space zones and are generally a little faster.

15. Restaurants, apart from regular and upsize meals, should offer charsi servings too; which would mean a quadruple sized burger and two and half kg fries with Mirinda.

16. We urge the president to take notice of the recent MOUs between the US and the Karzai administration. Introducing sneaky clauses about drugs is just the kind of thing expected of the evil Americans. In this respect at least, no other nation must be allowed to be on more brotherly terms with Afghanistan than Pakistan.

17. While drunk driving is dangerous, stoned driving is extra cautious. Weed leaf should be made the traffic police’s logo.

Regards,

On behalf of The Katthi Association Lahore

P.S. The boys had come up with 360 points. While drafting, I realised they were only 17; the rest was all repetition. I hold no responsibility for the facts and figures presented – even I found the 60%-illnesses-due-to-stomach point hilarious, to say the least. Thank you to all parties for reading this letter. I have no idea if the president will consider any of the points raised; but I have played my part, and it is earnestly hoped that this effort will be enough for me to win my friends’ respect back. Peace.

The writer is a member of the band Beygairat Brigade.

Ali Aftab Saeed

Ali Aftab Saeed is a singer and director of Mishermayl Productions. He tweets at @aliaftabsaeed.



52 Comments

  1. Aftab Saeed said:

    U SOB…it took u a few years to evaluate the uselessness of Katti while your father came to that conclusion in over two evenings of experimentation, sitting on the front seat of a car parked half way into the Kabul river, listening to Lata Mangeshkar crooning in her nubile days.

    • Ashiq hussain said:

      baba ji jaan deo….mitti pao…:-)

    • Hashim Khan said:

      Those days your mind was not open to the diversity of brain cell killing devices. Katthi was one of them. It has it's own merits, but still, does a mass scale genocide of grey matter building blocks.

      • WokeSmeed said:

        Hyperbole, exaggeration and lies. Please provide me with one "credible" study that proves your point. THC has never ever been proven to be harmful in any way.

        If anything, its beneficial to your health if taken in moderate amounts, like preventing glaucoma(which you may know as "Kala motia", nearly untreatable in late stages by modern medicine and it causes permanent blindness).

        Also, it is the only known medicine which helps with cancer pain without any harmful effects. Unlike oxycodone and your run of the mill opiates which have nasty side-effects.

        I could go on and on about its benefits with examples of scientists, musicians, doctors(yes, doctors) and people near retirement who have been smoking all their life and are at the top of their professions.

        But the fact of the matter is that you are an ignorant, illiterate jahil who has less brain cells to begin with than I've lost(according to your theory) by smoking weed for 15 years. And nothing I say will change your mind. Or the minds of the "world leaders" who have vested interests in keeping a medicine illegal and poisons like tobacco and alcohol legal.

        GOD I wish I could shove my foot down your throat.

        • Fahad Anjum said:

          Tobacco and alcohol are definitely more dangerous and more expensive. Even on the environmental, ethical, and extraction level. It's full of benefits. When you burn it, it becomes oxygen plus the plant itself feeds on co2 and releases oxygen. All it needs is water and seeds, and soil. The seeds replicate themselves and are cheap to import and grow. The other uses of weed are food, medicine, anti oxidants, fuel (yes you can extract enough to generate warmth a d electricity.

          I use to hate the thought of ever smoking, but lookin at the benefits of this compared to coffee, tobacco, alcohol and all that, I think weed is a winner.

          1 year smoking it and I feel so fresh. No headaches, no problems in school, work, love-life, career, or personal life.

          Also, more people die due to tobbacco, alcohol, and coke whereas none have died from weed. Intact all your top leaders, including Steve Jobs, The Clinton's, The Bushs and the lots have been on weed. So it never hurts to try life out from a different perspective. 🙂

          So yea, don't even worry about it

      • True said:

        Dude are you kidding me. That is exactly the same as saying:
        Don't let women work, they'll get too rowdy
        Don't sleep under a tree, the djinns will get you
        It's just alarmist rubbish …
        You need to read several scientifically assessed, peer-reviewed, highly cited articles from experts in the field of neurophysiology, psychology, biophysics, biochemistry, plant sciences and even the social sciences and economics to understand that there really are no long-term negative effects of the benign weed

      • shumraiz said:

        as if you made a new pakistan by not smoking katti!

  2. Hashim Khan said:

    The age old institution of ” Thaeka Chars Afyoon” which was started during the British rule, where the peace loving people could get a wuick and was abolished

  3. Ashfaqullah Khan said:

    Excellent article! God bless you, Ali Aftab Saeed. You've laid out all the principles for an excellent Welfare State in this article!

  4. Arshed Bhatti said:

    Deeply amused by this draft for a press release by the Association, Ali. I recommend this song (Hum Charsi Bhangi hain. pur sub k sungi hain) could be played, before or after the press conference -:) I wrote it in 2003 but produced in 2009. To all the peaceful & peace loving charsis of the Repubil… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAUwuEZkge0 – Arshed

  5. Bhang said:

    Curine has crossed the 100 rupee mark.

    • saad said:

      you are being ripped off. its on the packaging of its box. its price is 80 rupees

  6. Juna said:

    Ha haha ha Hilarious, a master peace, i meant piece. you Know the Feeling. Kher, a very very unique and worth reading peace, i again meant piece. Geo Dam laga ke….

  7. Ayesha said:

    please accept my application for the joint committee

  8. usama said:

    what an effort brother finally someone has opened up and raised the voice for the weed community

  9. jinx said:

    Who cares what it does to your guts or else plases..as long as it gives u a bit of "saroor" I'm for it and by the way a six hour journey looks like it took only a few mins…wow..jinx

  10. Umair khawaja said:

    Level hai sheikh sab.. This is the first tym tht sumone put up the voice for katthi lovers.. Though im sure noone wud take it seriouslly but honestly ur job iz bin done. Geo sheikh sab!

  11. Uzair said:

    well done Sheikh sab…very less chance of some hope but a very nice and impressive effort on such a subject…!!!

  12. UZ said:

    Well points are valid, if we can engage in holy war against the infidels in 80s with dope money, might as well legalize it.

  13. umar said:

    Agree with the idea of separate parks!

  14. sheesha lover said:

    n this article got published?shame!

    • True said:

      Its the best article ever man! many more like this should get published. you need to put some weed in your sheesha 😉

  15. C.Gamov said:

    I'm an Indian and reading this, I feel like your your brother already! Care for a good joint of Idukki Gold brother? 😉

  16. Aslam Perdesi said:

    To the young people of late 80s and 90s and those who are getting born in 2000s who are getting ready for the amusing ride of colorful vistas, in times of the old before mid 80s and stupid Reagan Administration, Pakistan was on the International Drug Trail. It was a wonderful time, when as in our culture Bhang and Afyun (Opium) were legal.

    Despite the tongue in cheek humor, it remains a fact that today police waste a huge amount of time on trying to get money out of people on the grounds of possession of these herbs and sometimes the liquid (both opium tea and alcohol). That time can be well spent by police by tackling the worthy causes like security instead. Also it would be useless to make an economic argument here because mostly it was the imitation of the west rather than some home grown decision.

    The downside is that 40 years ago those who indulged in these herbal pursuits were mildly joked about, now unfortunately they are considered to be Devil's Spawn by the mainstream. As if using herbs is more sinister than violating a female's body!

    Unfortunate turn of events… hope one day we evolve to a point where we can all sing Harper's "Burn one down" together in a park near you!

  17. Raza said:

    Unfortunately we rely heavily on tv channels for our general knowledge of whats happening around us. We need to understand that this is something which is been fed to us. What ever the interest groups want us to believe in , raise that topic which might be far from reality.
    Without wasting further time i would like to state that Mr Lucman himself is a cheap sell out who will always speak against PMLN and will make sure to go into every detail to destroy thier political carrer only solely because he drives a car which cost 8 million rupees and was gifted by Chaudry Pervaiz Elahi.
    Now as a neutral person i dont like any of the current politicians but an opinion of a person who is a sell out himself shouldnt matter to us. Mr Lucman is an indecent man who is not a journalist and again is only popular because of his abnoxious behaviour live on tv. In reality which sells. Thats our medias truth , unfortunately the sad truth

  18. True said:

    This has got to be the best article I've read all month! Although I don't smoke up so much anymore, I think its a really important conversation to be had. Anyone who has the power and ability to legalize the consumption of weed needs to chill the hell out. The anti-weed campaigners are like socially retarded puppets who buy everything forced down their throats by aggressive and biased TV advertising and self-righteous right-wing proponents of "clean" living. Pre-industrialization, weed was not regulated anywhere in the world in any impactful way. Active compounds in the weed plant have well established medicinal properties. They can alleviate a number of pain conditions. Everyone should just relax and have a few joints and go about their business. I know 100s of people who smoke regularly and are at the top of their game.

  19. Raza said:

    oops sorry wrong window. If the admin could delete my above post . That would be great. Wasnt meant for this thread

  20. pathan bhai said:

    as per
    Section 4 of Chapter II headed Prohibition and Punishment of the Control of Narcotic substances Act (XXV of 1997)
    "Prohibition of cultivation of narcotic plants: No one shall cultivate any cannabis plant, coca bush or opium poppy, or father any portion of a cannabis plant, coca bush or opium poppy:
    Provided that the Federal Government or a Provincial Government authorized by the Federal Government may, subject to such conditions as it may prescribe, permit under a licence cultivation or gathering of any such narcotic plant or any portion thereof exclusively for medical, scientific or industrial purposes."

    your doper friends CAN apply for a permit under the current law, for medical or scientific of industrial purposes.

  21. hamza said:

    Dear Raza,
    The car given to Mubashir luqman. Mercedes with glass back isn’t a gift by pervaiz illahi but by army itself. Care to talk more against him?
    Regards,
    A Pakistani without uniform

  22. Muhammad Umar said:

    Where were you?? And i am pretty sure you have blazed many times coz a blazer knows the actual felling and you hv xplaind it all so well…. LMaO…

  23. omair said:

    Hilarious..
    *respect for this masterpiece..*

  24. O.A said:

    Pakistan Today had a dismal enough readership as it was. Publishing this rubbish has probably all but wiped it out. Unbelievable what newspapers today will publish just to get more hits. I mean, I enjoy the occasional spliff every now and again myself. A lot of people do. People from all walks of life, working in just about every profession. But that's just the point isn't it. It's no big deal! All this article has succeeded in doing is making pot sound like something, almost .. teeny bopper-ish. That and confirming my impression of Pakistan Today being a rubbish paper. Who actually publishes this stuff?!

  25. Doc said:

    @ clause # 12: The medicinal effects of 'Kathhi' does include a fine working stomach.
    Source: I'm a doc.

  26. Big Al said:

    simplyy lovee ittt… especially the (amsterdam style) and point # 14 was just hilariouss… thumbs up broo…

  27. Khurrum said:

    Tremendous i love that OBL papers clause…….U R the man and 'Gardezi Cooperation Islamabad' is with You

  28. pathan said:

    Can someone let me know where proper Green Weed is available in Peshawar. I'm not talking about the black stuff! I need The GREEN WEED!

  29. arsalan syed said:

    cool sheikh sahb..thumbs up…
    I m chartered accountant and my number is 0322-4766166

  30. Mohsin Khubaib Ahmed said:

    Respect Ustaad!! This has to be the best set of points one can shortlist, and then publish!! 😀 I agree totally, and anyone who enjoyed this article must watch; Pineapple Express, Howard Marks Mr Nice & Super Bad!! And be stoned at the same time 😉 Enjoy the laughs and the artificial state of sanity xD

  31. Laeeq said:

    Awsome aritcle. I don't smoke now but did a few times & i totally agree with the gaming point & the police station.. they both were very hilarious to me 🙂 Peace

  32. Jack Smith said:

    This is really good published article. Such a great yet interesting post. Thank you very much for sharing this useful stuff.

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