Follywood’s best for SRK

A list of movies for Shahrukh Khan to watch over the weekend

Bollywood superstar Shahrukh Khan was recently upset over security issues in India owing to the fact that he is a Muslim, which in turn got him bucket loads of love from Rehman Malik and Hafiz Saeed. As high-maintenance as SRK is, he would need a lot more than neighbourly love to cheer him up. Therefore, we have mailed a list of Follywood movies to Mr Shahrukh Khan that would make him feel a lot better about living in India. Here are some of the best picks for King Khan to enjoy:

My Name is Jafri

A Pakistani Shia Rizwan Jafri with Asperger’s syndrome endeavours to speak to the Pakistani president, and embarks on a cross-country journey from Quetta to Islamabad. Famous for the tagline, “My name is Jafri and I’m not a kafir”, the film highlights the plight of Shias in Pakistan. The film ends with Rizwan meeting the president with the president telling him, “Your name is Jafri, and you’re…” – the screen goes black.

Talwaarein Zameen Par

An eight-year-old boy is thought to be worthless and cowardly, and simply refused to take up the sword and go for Jihad. He does not comprehend the scriptures he reads, does not follow any teachings at all and cannot fathom how killing anyone under any circumstance can be justified. A philosophy teacher comes to the rescue and has the patience and compassion to discover elements of humanism and agnosticism in the young mind.

Malangg 1 & 2

Bulbul Panday is an eccentric vagabond who lives the life to the fullest and craziest. One day he commits blasphemy, without actually committing it, and is then locked up in a police station. Bloodthirsty mobs barge into the lock-up, drag the malang out and beat him up with kicks, fists and iron rods until his last breath. His body is then set on fire. The sequel sees Bulbul commit blasphemy in another mindboggling manner, with death coming slightly differently this time around.

Tabhi Dil Hai Pakistani

Top anchors of rival channels are vying for supremacy and ratings. One of them converts a Hindu boy to Islam live on television, as the ratings for her show soar among bawls of Mashallah. After making an excruciating mockery of forced conversions of Hindus to Muslims in Pakistan, the anchor rose to prominence highlighting the level of religious tolerance in Pakistan.

Chak de Pakistan!

The story of a Christian cricketer who returns to the game as the coach of Pakistan women’s cricket team to redeem himself, after being accused of fixing a World Cup final against England. He helped the women’s team win the World Cup, but the country couldn’t care less. He then embraced Islam, following which he was asked to return to the men’s cricket side as the captain, coach, trainer, manager and chief selector, but only if he promised to prostrate after every 10 runs that he scored.

Jab Tak Hai Eemaan

An ex-Muslim living in London loses the love of his life because she was a devout Muslim, and had promised the deity that she would never marry an apostate. Enraged, he joins Al-Qaeda and takes to the mountains of Tora Bora bombing sites left, right and centre. He then meets another ex-Muslim woman in the hilly terrain who is making a documentary on the helpless silence of ex-Muslims. The Taliban of North Waziristan find out about them and stone them to death. By that time the original sweetheart had married a British maulvi and was living in a gaudy mansion in London.

The Burning Church

A dedicated Muslim burns down a church in Karachi owing to what he perceived was religious rivalry. He thought that if an idiot insulted his sentiments on YouTube, it gave him the right to set a church on fire. He got solace in the fact that Pakistan’s constitution declares that denigration of the glory of Islam is blasphemous while burning down churches is not.

The Square of Bhagat Singh

The renaming of the square where the freedom fighter had been hanged in 1931 takes an ugly shape when the religious brigade oppose the fact that it is being named after a “Sikh”. Not only do the antagonists get Bhagat Singh’s religious belief wrong, they also completely ignore the fact they have the freedom to spurt out utter grime owing to the man who gave his life for the freedom of the Indian subcontinent. They conjure a low blow when they suggest that the square should be named “Hurmat-e-Rasool Chowk” – and the low blow prevails.

Zamanat se Qayamat tak

Malik Ishaq returns home from jail to find out that his son had married a Shia girl. He is enraged over the fact that his son had forgotten what he was brainwashed with and dared to ignore sectarian differences. The lovebirds commit suicide in the end after growing sick and tired of religious animosity. The film is renowned for the hit track, “Papa kehtay hain kafiron ka ikhtataam karayga”.

Jihad Apna Apna

Two gunmen competing for the honour of gunning down the governor go head to head to decide who gets to shoot him. The governor is a massive catch since he has dared to defend a Christian and has the audacity to question the blasphemy law. Killing him would mean endless veneration and a legendary status in the Islamic realm. It is Mumtaz Qadri who eventually wins the matchup and shoots down the governor much to the delight of the lion’s share of Muslims in the region.

Mr Pakistan

A bighearted man takes adolescent atheists into his home in Pakistan. After discovering his scientist and atheist father’s invisibility device he vies to save Pakistani atheists from the clutches of a religious megalomaniac Hajji Mogambo. He wanted atheists to be given an identity and have the security to express their lack of belief without fearing for their life. Hajji saab however ensures that a Fatwa was declared against Mr Pakistan and his crew of atheists who then go into a hiding and continue using pseudonyms on their Facebook group to discuss their irreligious beliefs in their bubble. Religious nutcases ensured that none of them ever managed to move out of their bubble; and at the end of it all Mogambo khush hua.

Umer Akbar Ahmadi

Three Pakistani brothers are separated and then unite after many years – one is brought up a Deobandi Muslim, another a Salafi Muslim and the last an Ahmadi Muslim. When the two elder brothers realise that their youngest sibling is now a devout Ahmadi Muslim – and hence not a Muslim at all – they murder him to please their god and then go on to live happily ever after.

The writer is a financial journalist and a cultural critic. Email: khulduneshahid@gmail.com, Twitter:@khuldune



16 Comments

  1. Dr Asghar said:

    Have I just read an article sympathizing with atheists, agnostics, apostates and ex-Muslims in a mainstream Pakistani newspaper? You have a lot of courage young man. This is a great article. Wonderful satire.

  2. Sajjad said:

    If you start picking an incident here and a story there, India will outnumber us by far bigger margin than the population ratio. And leave Pakistanis stories for international media, they are already doing this job 1000 times better than you Khuldune.

  3. Writer said:

    Hey PaktanToday fellas tell me where do you advertise for writing paid articles? Odesk? LivePerson? Elance?

  4. aloneinlonelyplanet said:

    nice but gives only a single side of the picture!! on ground, today, the Pakistani society is more tolerant, contrary to Asma Jahangir's rant!! Just remember when fanatics hit Malala, the whole nation stood behind her!! Its a different country now but ppl ll understand that slowly!!

  5. Paknum1 said:

    "Just remember when fanatics hit Malala, the whole nation stood behind her.."
    Yes! The entire nation then sat down as soon as malala was shipped off! The whole nation than stood up when shia brothers refused to bury their dead and the entire nation sat down as soon as imported saviour from canada showed up the next day! LOL!

  6. Hina said:

    This is, hands down, one of the boldest, bravest, and funniest pieces I've ever read in a Pakistani newspaper. Super super article.

  7. Indian Singh said:

    A Bhai, zara dekh kay chalo , agey he nahi piche bhee.

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